“The problem with red flags is that I’m attracted to them”
What is it about the “bad boy” type that gets a lot of girls, including myself, swooning? Is it their cocky and narcissistic tendencies that we brand as “confident” and “dominant”? Or how about their indifference and emotional unavailability that makes them sooo “broody” and “mysterious”?
Whether you currently find yourself pining for a bad boy ( my deepest condolences) or have so in the past, there is no denying that they exist. Even if you’re a lucky POS that hasn’t come into contact with a member of this dangerous species, I’m sure you’ve found yourself rooting for them at one point or another. Chuck from Gossip Girl. Damon from The Vampire Diaries. These guys were what you could call textbook Mr. Wrongs. And yet, they still managed to get the girl.
Are we simply attracted to assholes? Is this something that’s out of our control?
These very questions were actually raised in one my psychology lectures last week. My professor, who would identify as a Freudian, brought up the point that subconsciously women tend to choose partners similar to their fathers. So, I guess the idea here is that if your dad is a dick, so will the guy you end up with be. How wonderful. She went on to say that this is not something we can even control; it operates at the level of our unconscious so we are also not aware of it. Personally , I am not convinced. Though I do agree to an extent, I think that there a couple serious flaws in this argument :
1) How does this explain why women who have great fathers also fall victim to a bad boy’s charm? Or better yet, how about those who never grew up with a father figure ?
2) This is something that’s supposed to happen out of our conscious awareness. But , if you’re like me, I think 9 times out of 10 we are pretty damn aware that the guy we’re falling for is no saint by any means.I think that’s the worse part-knowing that someone probably isn’t the best for you and pursuing them anyway.
But we can’t help it. And I think this is why.
There is a bit of “good” and a bit of “bad” in everyone. We may know that these “bad boys” are bad, but deep down, we also know that there is some good to be found too. A lot of times these guys are just putting up a front because they’re too afraid to show the world who they really are. Because they’re too afraid to get hurt. We see that. We feed off of that. And we let it consume us, no matter what the cost. We want to be the heroes- the ones who can save them from themselves. We want to be the ones who were strong enough to dig that goodness out of them and change them for the better. We want to fix them.
The problem with that is, well basically everything. While I do believe 100% that everyone has some sort of good within them ( even though certain individuals might have made me periodically lose faith along the way) , I also believe that you should never go into something with the expectation that the person will change, or that better yet, you will be the one to change them. Not only is that unrealistic and merely setting you up for disappointment, it is also highly unfair to them. They deserve to be with someone who will accept them for who they are , not someone who’s going to treat them as their next guinea pig experiment.
So are we drawn towards the bad guy? Maybe. But it definitely isn’t something that is out of our control, and it probably isn’t our dad’s fault either ( if it is though , thanks a lot dad 😑)
Raise your hand ( a.k.a comment below) if you have ever been personally victmized by a bad boy. I’d love to hear your stories. And guys, don’t think I forgot about you. I know there are just as many “bad girls” out there too, so feel free to share your experiences as well.